When Size Matters

I remember doing this when Elliot was a baby too...

Lately I've been trying to keep Oliver in "newborn" clothing rather than moving up to the huge (or not!) 0-3month size stuff.

Silly, isn't it? Especially because now a couple of the CUTE 0-3month outfits are too small, and he could have been wearing that for a while!

I guess it's an attempt to keep him small. I know I can't keep him small forever. Nor would I want to, really! I'm sure it's somewhat normal, though...right? I know of people who have CRIED when their babies move up a size in diapers. I haven't cried...but I do feel very sentimental when that happens.

And I AM having a hard time putting size 2 diapers on my 5 week old. (OK, they are big, people. And it's because I am almost out of size 1s and I'm trying to figure out if I need to buy more size 1s or if I should just keep going with 2s. And here I am getting all defensive about this size issue that I do NOT have.)

Well the baby clothing thing is a bit nutty, I admit.

But normally I'd say size isn't a big deal to me.

At this point in time, anyway.

There was a time in my life when size mattered way too much.

I remember being proud, in elementary school, when I brought home a report card that showed I hadn't gained weight that year. My PE teacher circled it and put a sad face by it. And I was proud. In elementary school!!

In high school and college I cared way too much about my size and I harmed my body in a number of ways to achieve the "right" size.

Thanks to God's healing in my life it's not a big deal to me anymore.
In fact, I can eat almost anything my mother-in-law puts in front of me! (almost.)
I can buy a pair of jeans that aren't the "right" number.
I can eat "2nd dinner" with Insoo many nights. (we do eat a LOT, he and I!)
And, while it's not my favorite thing to hear, I can smile and nod when Elliot reminds me regularly that "Daddy is older than you but you are bigger than Daddy."

This is a pretty recent thing with him. We've begun having conversations about size. At a certain point, being "bigger than..." becomes important to growing children. At least to growing boys, it seems. And Elliot's definitely on the smaller end of the spectrum. We've already talked about the possibility of Isaiah passing him up; that Elliot will always be older, but Isaiah might be taller one day. We talk regularly about how some kids are bigger and some are smaller. And we don't make a big deal out of it. I certainly don't want it to be a big deal to him.

To me, it hasn't mattered that Elliot is the smallest in his class or that people think he and Isaiah are twins. But it's come to my attention that maybe it should...We'll have some testing done in the next couple months to make sure that it IS just fine that Elliot is small, and that it is not an indicator of something "bigger" going on. If you think of us, we'd appreciate your prayers that don't need to worry about this size thing. I want it to remain something that really doesn't matter that much.

Before we started having these conversations, I didn't think Elliot was too aware of the "size thing".
Then one day he came home from preschool and said, matter-of-factly,

"Mom, today I was the smallest one in my class."

"Oh really?" I said...rather surprised. (And very intrigued by the "today" part)
"How did you know that? Did you get in a line from the biggest to smallest?"

"No." he said.

"Well, how did you know that you were the smallest today?"

"We were sitting in a circle. And I looked to my left, and I looked to my right, and I was the smallest one in the circle."

pause.
I didn't know exactly how to respond...I was trying to read him and he didn't seem very concerned.
So I think I just said something like, "Oh. Hm."

Then he added, somewhat happily,
"Just like Thomas."

"Thomas???"

"Yeah! Thomas is the smallest engine of all!"

"Oh! Yeah, honey, he is the smallest, isn't he! That's really special, isn't it?"

"Yeah."


So we'll have the tests done. We'll pray that it's nothing serious. And we'll do our best to raise him--and all our boys--with the understanding that their worth doesn't come from their size. And that we certainly don't pity anyone for being small. After all, Thomas is the smallest engine, and he's a pretty great one!